This lonely road

This is a lonely road of bereavement of Maddie that I am on. Over the hills and through the woods, in the evening, dark nights or early dawn this road must surely come out somewhere bright and full of sunshine. I long to see her beautiful smiles and unconditional love. I think back to the last minutes that Chris, Marissa and I held her as she took her last breathe and heart beat. I wished that I could have taken all the pain, needles and prodding that she had endured in her short 7 years in particular the last few months. She never complained and was willing to do whatever was asked of her. She was always full of smiles to see everyone and all the attention that she was getting. I think of Christ whom bore all of our burdens of sin without complaint as he endured agony and pain that no human had to endure. I got very weepy eyed at church this morning singing the beautiful hymnals from deep within our hearts and souls. Chris, the girls and I are so loved by our church family, our friends and our own family. Everyone has offered words or hugs and prayers of comfort but this journey is still something that we must walk alone even by myself.  I must walk alone not knowing when the ache and longing will subside for my sweet Maddie Grace. Some roads we bear with friends, some we bear alone. This moment, this journey, this path I think I only able to bear alone the pain, the agony, the sorrow and ache that I am feeling without my Maddie. Pain and grieving is all I know at this time, this minute, this second.  Today I've cried thinking about her, longing for her...I cried through one of her favorite songs IZ "Somewhere over the Rainbow". I remember how her face would light up along with mine as the song would play on her favorite Pandora Lullaby station. She's somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. I hope one day that I will see her again...I cry. I snuggle up to her favorite bunny and remember the day that we made it so long ago at BuildaBear. Marissa laughs at how her mommy sleeps with a stuffed animal but in the end she also fights me for Maddie's bunny and the memory of our sweet Maddie. The tears keep coming today and seem so endless...I could easily talk to so many close friends or family members but I can't right now. I think back to summer, last spring, last Christmas...what if we'd known... would it have made it any easier? Would we have cherished those precious moments more. Chris and I looked back at all her pictures and the pictures revealed that she had been declining slowly the last 2 years...why didn't I see it..why because we loved her so and had hoped and hoped. Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven best describes my most inner thoughts right now. Yes, this is a very lonely road that I must take but I'm truly not alone for God is always with me.

Eric Clapton Tears In Heaven Lyrics

Songwriters: JENNINGS, WILL / CLAPTON, ERIC PATRICK

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
Ill find my way through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please...begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven...

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...