6 months

It's been 6 months since our sweet Maddie Grace went to Heaven.

Dear Maddie Grace,

How I long to see your sweet little face.
Six months have gone by...
And I am not going to lie
Our hearts are still in so much pain
For life without you is such a big change.
Missing and coping for you in the only way I know
My sweet Maddie Grace, I love you so.

Time is flying by

On April 30th it will be 6 months since Maddie Grace left this worldly earth of ours. I still find her death so surreal and am still often in tears. I think about all the good and sad times. I think about her taking her last breathe and beating her last heart beat on the Tuesday afternoon of October 30th. It was so final. I struggle with finding inner peace to all of the sorrow that my husband and our two other girls are going through without Maddie. I remember during her time in the medically induced coma that the neurologist had stated that 20% of patients won't pull through. My heart fell to the ground and I could not even stand up straight knowing that this might have been a possibility. I didn't know how I would survive without Maddie. Yes, it's been almost 6 months and yes, I am breathing, eating and sleeping and living life....however surviving without Maddie. Tears and heartaches are part of our every day life. My oldest girl broke down in tears at school because she missed her sister so much. It broke my heart that she is so young to have known this kind of excruciating loss. They were only 19 months apart and as close as two sisters could ever be. I know Maddie has shaped Marissa into the little young lady she is today. My life is more slow paced and filled with lots of alone times which I often prefer. I view some things so differently and don't seem to be in rush to go out and do everything! My faith is unwavering but I still wonder why her? Why us?

3 months

It's been 3 months since our sweet Madeline went to Heaven, 3 months since we last kissed on her, 3 months since we said goodbye and held her as she took her last breathes and her little heart stopped beating. 3 months seems so far away at times while at other times it's just like yesterday. Not a moment goes by when I don't think of her. Maddie was always so full of love, smiles and hugs. I remember how she would light up with her signature smile as she listened and rocked to her favorite music. I remember how happy she would get to hear my voice as I came home from running an errand. We would greet with hugs and lots of kisses. Life is sure not the same without her beautiful presence in our lives. As our lives go on, I still find it hard to not have our girl with us. I am overcome with longing and sadness as tears flow like a river while listening to her song. I miss you so much, Maddie, my love!

Coping

It's been over 2 & 1/2 months since Maddie Grace went to Heaven...at times I find myself crying more than ever and other times life is somewhat the "new" norm. You don't get over losing anyone in particular your child. I think it's the worst tragic pain possible because losing a child is so out of the norm. Children shouldn't die in the natural scheme of life before their parents. How does one cope and deal with this since the loss of a beautiful child? A piece of you is gone with the child along with your hopes and dreams of your child and of her future. Even though Maddie was special needs we had so much hope for her to excel at all that she was capable of doing...I was so excited to start our homeschooling program where she was doing so well the month of August. I am finding all kinds of materials and ideas that I had made, planned, and were going to try with her...it hurts that I won't be able to use these materials on her...it hurts so deeply not to see her big and contagious smiles. Maddie Moo Moo was nonverbal but she sure said a lot. I miss her tremendously and more than ever. We are living each day to day in our new normalcy but something is still out of place or missing. I'm not sure when this sense of longing or lose will ease up..only time will tell. Time...another word that I wish I could use to turn back the clock to when we had our girl with us. ..when she was so full of health and life. I am thankful for the 7 wonderful and blessed years that God had given her to us but the longing and ache that I feel for Maddie Grace is still ever so strong and constant. I think as parents we want to be able to protect our children, to nurture them and to be able to raise them to the fullest. All of this was out of our hand so it feels like something is wrong or misplace/out of place. Our family dynamic has changed to where before we had our three beautiful girls now just the oldest and the youngest, which we are so grateful for. I know God definitely gave us Elyssa to help us with our sorrow. Maddie and Elyssa were 6 years apart. Elyssa’s demanding personality makes us cater to her needs and not our own. She is so sweet at times and constantly says, “Mad, Mad”. (Elyssa’s nickname for Maddie. ) Marissa is also such a blessing. God planned her birth order accordingly because she was like a second mommy to Maddie. She helped Maddie and us in so many ways. Marissa is also one of the most compassionate girl that I know. We are so blessed for one another and our health. Our life will never ever be the same again but we have fond and loving memories of Madeline that we will cherish forever. The picture of our beautiful three was taken last February. Oh…my heartaches for the three of them together like this always.

Just another day

Today's was a strange day, I woke up to no coffee. I looked at the coffee maker and wondered why it was turned on...hmmmmh maybe it was because I forgot to set the timer on, I turned it on, still no coffee. I looked at it again thinking we really need to get a new coffee maker. I turn it on again and it quickly turns off. Urghhh..I growled..getting  really frustrated. Chris comes downstairs and I tell him that the coffee maker might be broken. The on light tends to go out lately so we have to play with it some. Immediately to my dismay, my hubby shows me where I had forgotten to put in the coffee and water...hahah!  So I finally got my coffee and could function for the day. It was a day of relaxing and cuddling with Elyssa with the other free time cleaning up after the messy and busy toddler and some time pinning on Pinterest. Does anyone know of any other toddlers who has to get out so many bowls and cups all day? And on top of that she is now tall enough on tiptoes to get her cold water out of the frig on her own. Let me tell you, she loves to transfer water from cup to cup or to bowls and we have water spills everywhere. I get tired of the mess but am so blessed that she is able to do all of these typical toddler things...Maddie was not able to do any of these things but was so sweet and special in her own way. Elyssa turned on my IPhone music by accident this evening and Maddie's Favorite song Somewhere over the Rainbow came on. It brought tears and longing to my heart and eyes. She will always be such a part of our lives. I feel that she needs to be here to enjoy and not miss out on all the things Elyssa and our family are doing. After two months...life still feels so strange, different and not right or out of place without our Maddie Grace.

Keeping the faith

My heart is overwhelmed with sorrow as death or illness is all around me. A friend loss her sweet nephew on Christmas Day and a visitation was held yesterday, others from church with loss of fathers or sons, and other friend's of friends whom have also lost their child. And so many battling illnesses including our wonderful preacher whom had a surgery late last week to remove a tumor from his brain and is now in a hospice house because the prognosis is not much different than the chemo or radiation path. I keep all of these previous souls and their family in my thoughts as I am filled with my own grief of the lost of my sweet Maddie. I know in life there is life and death but it seems like lately there's is just so many. Please Lord be with all of the ones that are so deep in my thoughts and hearts and please provide comfort to all of the loved ones that are caring for them or that are left behind including myself and my family. In your Son's Name. Amen.

Not a moment goes by that I don't think of my sweet daughter...even when I don't...her pictures on the screen savers will pop up. Oh, how my heart longs for Maddie but I know holding and kissing her physically can't happen right now...at this time. My other girls keep me busy as we are enjoying Marissa's last day of Winter Break today. I've also tried to keep myself busy with reading and pinning cool things on Pinterest. Life is hard when there's so much pain and suffering around me, I have to keep my faith strong and remember others such as Job who suffered so much. I also recall one of my favorite hymnals, "It is well with my soul." God is in command and will provide me with everything that I need including comfort. My desire is always to please him, our Heavenly Father. Hoping to have a very blessed year this New Year 2013.

Sent from my iPad

Blessings

This was our very first New Year since Maddie’s birth that Maddie was not with us to celebrate the incoming “New” year. We celebrate her through beautiful memories that we will cherish until we take our last breathe. Not a day or hour goes by that we don’t have a thought of our Sweet Girl.  Maddie Grace lives in our hearts forever.  Time is slowly healing the pain and however, we are still hurt and so very devastated by the lost of our beautiful beloved child but know that she is in a much better place. God is in control of all and we are so blessed by our faith, the health of the four of us and growing closer as a family through all of the heartaches and tragedy of last year. We are thankful and grateful for Chris’ job so that we were able to celebrate Christmas, take a much needed vacation to California and try to have some fun and make new memories. We are so blessed by our local church congregation for all the love, support, encouragements, and prayers. We are so so deeply blessed by our family and friends from afar…no matter the distance we can feel all of your love. This 2013 New Year, we are hoping that everyone will have joy, health and much peace in 2013. We are also so mindful of so many needs and are keeping all of our friends and loved ones in our thoughts and prayers as those we care about are going through health concerns and tragedies. God bless each one of you.