Letter to Maddie

Dear My Lovely Daughter Maddie,

The pain of your death is still so raw for all of us. Sorrow hits me at different times throughout the hours, days or week, in particular when we are coming home from church. We would be on a pretty strict schedule and would feed you your formula through your feeding tube on our 40 minutes drive home. Daddy mentioned going out for lunch but Marissa has a friend's birthday party to go to so we may go after church tonight. It's so weird without you. You were nonverbal but you had so much to say with your sweet face and beautiful smiles. I get so emotional and I'm not sure how to stop being so emotional. It's so painful without you. I get choked up when people ask about how we are doing. Most of the time I'm not sure what to say because I'm not sure how I am actually doing. I'm reminded of you when I see parking spots for people with disabilities. Your tag was to be renewed last month and I'm unable to throw it away. My chest and throat gets so tight and I feel so constricted. I made some photo-books of you the other evening. You are in all of our hearts always but I like to look at your beautiful face.  I wish we had one more second, minute, hours, days, or years with you, sweet girl. I know that you are no longer in pain and able to do everything now but we still MISS you so much. Baby Elyssa loves kissing and pointing at all your pictures. She cries and throws a lot more tantrums and is very clingy to mommy...I think all of this is because of missing her big sissy Maddie.  Marissa loves and miss you so much. She stays in the room that you shared with one another. When I got sad the other day she reminded me that we were blessed to have you as long as we did because some children don't live as long and some babies don't even get to meet their mommies and daddies.  Marissa is so wise and is growing up so quickly. Daddy gets really sad and grumpy at times and I know it's because he's missing you. We were able to go to our friends' house last night to celebrate a birthday. I thought about how you were there with us on Mother's Day. We are trying do a new norm but it's still hard, you are constantly in our hearts and on our minds. We love and miss you so much our precious Maddie Grace. I pray all the time to our Heavenly Father to give our family peace and comfort and to get through each difficult day.

Love you always, my darling child,
Mommy & #1 Fan